Debra Kunz

Have you ever heard the expression, “the right man doesn’t always come in the right package.” The woman who asked me about this phrase was very concerned because she found a man she liked who didn’t really meet her idea of who she thought she “should” be with. He didn’t have the “right” job and didn’t look like a male model.

Now I ask you – what’s the “right” package and why is that the “right” one?

We’ll start with the one that will always be a factor in dating, attraction and chemistry – how he looks (and how you look to him). It’s a fact of life. The other fact is that we don’t have to look like supermodels to be happy and successful in love and relationships. It’s about the attraction between two people, not about what everyone else around you thinks is attractive. Stay true to what gives you butterflies in your stomach, and not what your friends think. This woman was so relieved to hear that it was ok to be attracted to a man who wouldn’t make the cover of GQ, that I could see her exhale.

The “right” package might also be aspects of his personality. Maybe you like to talk a lot and you want someone who is quiet so you can shine. What if he likes to talk too, but you have mutual respect for each other and let each other shine? What if you are quiet and you’re concerned if you date someone who is also quiet you may be comfortable, but no one would ever say anything!  When I asked her about these questions, her assessment was that they had a “real” connection, regardless of anything else, and they communicated well with each other because they both made it a priority.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to date a man who will be acceptable to everyone else, and then sacrifice what you need in the meantime. Of course, knowing what you want in a relationship is crucial to knowing when you’ve found it, but, other than your deal breakers, consider what you might be flexible about. Don’t compromise yourself on the really critical things like how he treats you and if he’s honest for example, but maybe there are other things to bend on.

This woman is genuinely happy in her relationship because she allowed herself to see a different kind of man for herself than she ever had before.

Date Deliberately,

Debra